21 Ways to Get Out Of Debt

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1. Don’t answer unknown numbers

2. If you have a voicemail from a debt collector, don’t listen to it

3. If you answer the phone and it’s a debt collector, laugh haughtily whilst wearing unicorn fur coats and marinating your manicure in mermaid caviar and say “You’ll never get that money”

4. Say “my darling” after harsh statements to soften the blow and seem demure

5. “You’ll never get that money, my darling”

6. Call out rich people’s advice like “drink smoothies” or “drink smoothies” for being classist

7. Smoothies are just food mushed up

8. Change your phone number

9. Answer the phone and say “wrong number”

10. Debtor’s prisons can be sexy if you have a Positive Mental Attitude

11. Go to the ER with a panic attack for free sedation

12. Everything is free

13. Ignore your bills

14. Money is fake

15. You know those surreal vivid dreams you have that feel like an alternate universe?

16. Say “You know how atoms are mostly empty space? So, we are empty space. So, all of this is nothing. And that’s how much I’m paying you”

17. I don’t know you, really

18. And I scrubbed the eggy remains off your partially eaten brunch

19. And I breathed in the dust of your skin from your donated clothes

20. I ate hot dogs as meals for days because they were free

21. And I don’t know you really