on the Aesthetics of Unsolicited Dick Pics

* make us famous

Too many guys neglect to take into account, when composing an unsolicited dick pic, that the austerity of the medium’s fundamental constraints can produce surprising impact, provided the artist uses what little context he has available to create narrative and drama.

A Hemingwayesque approach to the economy of formal elements offers a simple, honest profundity. (You know Hemingway must have sent righteous dick pics). Don’t just show us your worked-up hog; tell us why we need to care about it. Give it a name and a history. Matted blood in your pubes is guaranteed to create a lasting impression. Why not introduce some color with a smudge of lipstick? There is a substantial freight of social and cultural context encoded in the choice of shade. Bright unsaturated reds and pinks suggest naive innocence and the moral complexity of slumming. Darker, plummy shades indicate a proclivity for the sophisticated, while bold reds evoke exacting, timeless good taste. Glitter tells us you’re not allowed to work around children. To announce that you’re the kind of man who reaches out and takes what he wants in life, juxtapose lipstick with a little bit of shit.

When an object is included for size comparison, it’s usually a quarter, right? Try using a nickel instead, placing it just beyond the field of focus. To create a bold and challenging effect you could use another guy’s dick, but be sure to indicate which one is yours.

Be demanding of your audience. Play with their expectations. The only risk you can’t afford to take is boring them. With the growing recognition of rape as a cultural movement we have to assume that one day our dick pics will be hanging in museums. Therefore, when you’re taking a dick pic to send to a relative stranger or a strange relative make sure, friend, that you try your hardest.