Be Healthy or Die (or Why I don’t trust the Green Movement)



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As a socially responsible, spiritually aware human, I personally want to ransack, poison and devastate as much of this planet as possible before finding a better form of sentient life and jetting off on their spaceship. I want to harvest as much vile emotion as is manageable, project it upon the earth, and watch this fallen star rot into nothingness. Littering is one small step I take to ensure my identity and send out a nod to others like me. Why have we heard no voice of dissent from the anti-Green movement? 

I was actually able to arrange a meeting with the leaders of the anti-Green movement (covertly calling themselves the ‘red’ movement, and not to be confused with, yet fully in support of, communist agendas). When I arrived at the local McDonalds on Franklin Ave. they were sipping coffee, angrily discussing a petition involving the use of paper bags. Also in attendance were some friendly young men who identified themselves as the Pro-Rape Assembly, and a few people who seemed to be making a case in favor of higher fines for parking tickets. When I inquired as to the motives behind the movement I received mixed responses:

“The Green movement has gotten out of control; it makes people hyper self-conscious about everything that goes into and comes out of their mouth. I can’t stand in line at the grocery store without someone eyeing my purchases and making judgemental little snorting sounds.” 

Jerry Elderson, an insurance salesman, said “Before the Green movement became a national trend I knew the moral ground I stood on. I lived my life moment to moment, doing what I felt was best for me and my family. I attended plenty of neighborhood and church activities. At the last neighborhood potluck I was cornered and forced to explain why the macaroni salad I brought had such a high polyunsaturated transfat content. I had no idea what they were talking about, but they sounded so very sure of themselves it confused the heck out of me. They told me not to come back until I had learned how to take personal responsibility for the health of my neighbors and the well-being of the planet. They said they hoped my wife and children didn’t get fat and die from heart attacks. I don’t know if that was a threat. I joined the anti-Green movement to figure out what all this is about.” 

A thin mousy young woman nodded in sympathy. “If these are the kind of people we are going to have to live with once we’re all healthy and the economy is going well, I’d rather just invest in a bunch of nukes and blow the whole thing up.” 

Not all members present shared such a drastic viewpoint. Harold Blank, a private Latin tutor, explained his reason for attending the meeting. 

“Personally, I’d rather hang out with a bunch of freaks at McDonalds than spend time at Starbucks and endure another self-congratulatory tale about how many trees someone saved by buying a Kindle.” Harold mentioned that when the Green movement originated in the 1970s, he was an enthusiastic supporter. “I always loved Thoreau. He was a major proponent of self-reliance, sustainability, and testing one’s survival skills. I was very active in the Green movement throughout the 80s and 90s. In the past few years the Green movement became very popular, too popular perhaps, and so has become a logo, a brand, a recourse for those who feel their lives are going nowhere and so jump at a prescribed list of causes to support in order to give their lives meaning. While this may end up helping us in the end by alerting us to change our ways, in the meantime it is contributing to the reinforcement of old conditioning- that society makes you what you are. That without society you are nothing.” 

“What it gets down to,” he stressed, seeming tired, “is that many of the issues the Green movement addresses are practical and the remedies suggested may very well end up being effective. It is the point at which political ideology and personal identity meld that I grow concerned. Humanity is not detached from nature. We spring directly from nature; there is no way to avoid what we inherently are. A large part of what we are is paradoxical and full of uncertainty. We’ve never known how to collectively deal with this.”

At this point a young man with spiked green hair enthusiastically raised his hand to Harold in the classic ‘high five’ of solidarity. The youth, who I believe introduced himself as Ralph Mo, shared the following perspective: “Yeah man! Like, where the fuck are we before we are born? Man, if you think about that shit too much you’ll go crazy! Hey, Harold here is my man! We’re destroying the planet together!” 

When I questioned Ralph about why he would want to intentionally destroy the planet he laughed and said, “You can’t destroy the planet! Mother nature is fucking tough man! You think as long as this planet has existed, if we started causing any problems it couldn’t just shake us off into extinction? No man, I think nature is tough as hell.” 

At this point I began to feel as if I were attending Occupy McDonalds. I couldn’t get a well-phrased news bite from anyone. I went over to a quiet man standing near the Pro-Rape Assembly, who were conducting a four-person round table on the topic of civil disobedience. 

The man introduced himself as Paul Lake, a retired sanitation worker. He said he was here to support the Anti-Green movement and had no interest in the other groups, but didn’t mind sharing the McDonalds as a meeting space.

From what I could gather, the Anti-Green movement is a fictional, hypothetical, movement that does not really exist.