BEAUTY TIPS FOR lazy sluts

* make us famous

Papa Was A Rolling Stone inspired me in strange ways as a kid. I don’t remember much more of it than the first stanza, but that’s enough. Papa was a man, he didn’t come home much, and it could be assumed that he was having fun wherever he was hanging his hat. My nine year old take on this was: be Papa—fuck being the person writing a whiney song about Papa.

The arrival of hormones 5 years later synthesized with this lesson, and I arrived at a Grand Unifying Theory: Sex, yes please. It took me about 6 more years to realize that fucking leads to yelling unless you make it very clear that you are a stone and plan to roll. The only downside is a bit of slut-shaming, which is the marmite of bummers: inexplicable, but one may simply choose not to eat it.

This translates into lifestyle choices: I sleep away from home a good bit. If you’re giving someone head and suddenly they blurt out “you’re really smart,” you are at risk of them not getting the fuck out of your house in the morning: better to go to theirs, so that you can leave whenever. When you wake up and you have to go to work, these tips will keep you looking questionably deshabille, or at least enough so that you don’t get fired.

1 ) Papa wore a hat.

2 ) Any emollient can be used to make your hair lie down. I read somewhere that Courtney Love was backstage when Kim Deal took a break, grabbed a slice of ham off the craft services table, rubbed it between her hands and then used the grease on her hair. 

3 ) If the problem is the converse, and your hair is greasy, no problem. Anything in powder form will soak it up.  Flour, cornstarch, baby powder. If you have enough blow you could probably use that, but I don’t know - I’ve never had that much enough blow.  Don’t use under the sink cleaners, they burn.  Comb it out.

4 ) If you have cute little barrettes use them but seriously fuck you, be a fucking adult please, stop with that.

5 ) If you still look haggard, add attitude.  You’ll be fine.