Do Gay Men Suck?

* make us famous

Another Southern Decadence is finally behind us. They came, they saw, they drank, they smoked tina, and they came again. 

For some of us, Decadence is a time to celebrate living in a bastion of liberal acceptance while herds of adorable husbears lumber down Bourbon Street with their beer guts hanging out of matching leather chest straps. For others, Decadence is a time for hustling money from overpaid suburban clones wearing matching American Apparel tank tops and fending off obnoxious drunks who think they own the place and your ass. 

For me, Decadence is a good time to address that age-old question: do gay men suck?


Gay Men on Gay Men 

Everyone knows that gay dudes suck dick, but my inquiry goes deeper than the throat. The answer usually depends on whom you ask, and if you ask gay dudes, you’ll find that the answer is often a resounding “yes.” 

“I’m gay, but I can’t stand gay guys,” said one local gay guy who asked to remain anonymous so he could continue getting laid. “It’s a shitty situation.”

“It’s not like I’m homophobic,” another anonymous gay dude who, like everyone else quoted here, didn’t want their name associated with this article or SHUN in general. “It’s just that other gay dudes are fucking annoying. One day they flake out on that 69 session you’ve been texting about for hours, then the next day they’re eating some stranger’s asshole at the bar.” 

Another local gay man had a different problem. 

“I’m sick of gay dudes getting all pissy when I don’t want to sleep with them. It’s like, just cause we’re both homos doesn’t mean I want to fuck you. It doesn’t even mean I want to be your friend. Get a life, queen.” 

To understand why gay men think gay men suck we must consider the gay dating scene. Unless a gay guy is bi, queer, or otherwise attracted to people besides other men, there are only so many people available to date and fuck. Add to this the fact that gay men pigeonhole themselves in specific visceral subgenres such as “bear,” “twink,” “masculine,” “jock,” “hairy,” and “clean shaven,” and the gay dating scene becomes more competitive than an orgy in the locker room after a rugby game. 

There are gay guys who refuse to date guys who don’t go to the gym or reveal the shape of their torso on their online dating profile. On other hand, some queer guys won’t date guys who regularly shower, hold jobs or conform to dominant gender norms, unless they are getting paid for it. Gay men are under constant pressure to fit seamlessly into a category and look hot every moment; otherwise some other guy with the perfect swimmer’s body, classic bear beer gut, or infamous radical-queer performance art portfolio might get the dick. 

Some will blame internalized homophobia when gay men think gay men suck, but homophobia can’t explain everything, especially around here. We love gay dudes in NOLA. They come from around the world to stick all the money they aren’t spending on offspring into our tip jars and jock straps.  

Do gay men suck? Yes. But only when they act like they own everything, including each other. Like the throngs of Decadence attendees who drunkenly grab your boyfriend’s ass while claiming the French Quarter as their own sovereign territory, gay men only suck when they feel that their gayness entitles them to something that everyone else is also struggling to have – love, affection, money, your neighborhood, a seat at your favorite bar, your boyfriend, etc. 

Gay men and straight men think they own everything. They all suck. That’s why you should date bisexual guys. There are only four of us in the scene who actually bat on both sides of the plate, so act fast and copy down my email address. 

Rude Fig is a greedy bisexual. You can contact him for dates at