Fuck the Vote

* make us famous

I wanted to write a piece arguing the importance of voting, but since I know you didn’t vote, why waste my time? Instead, I’ll give you some great reasons why you- yes, YOU -have no business voting, and even if you did, why you shouldn’t vote for anything, ever.

1. you’re not registered to vote

What a loathsome process! Going to some dreary public building, talking to some pasty municipal servant, filling out some stupid piece of paper. Never give them your name and address! That’s how they getcha. If there’s not an app for this whole thing, you don’t need it. (By the way, don’t worry; if there ever was an app, the Board of Elections in your corrupt state would hack into it, and your vote would be stolen by some guy in an underground bunker somewhere north of Baton Rouge).

2. You are blissfully unfamiliar with the issues at stake

You have no idea who the candidates are, although you have surely mocked their sometimes bizarre last names, proving that you at least can read, but haven’t very high expectations for your sense of humor.               

3 let’s get  real- Old  people vote

Old people vote, not hip young things like yourself. Have some Metamucil with your ballot, geezer!

Please do not vote. You’d only be a tool of the powers that be, playing a rigged game and validating the atrocious institutions of this godless land. Anyway, you’re far too busy to decide which asshole gets to “represent” you in Washington D.C., what with all those subreddits to keep up with.

Accept that you are one of the masses, to be acted upon by power but never to hold any power yourself, or even command agency over your own affairs. Let withered octogenarians decide your right to Planned Parenthood. Let your fretful grandmother decide how much online privacy you deserve. Allow cranky WWII veterans to shape foreign policy. Stand aside and let old white dudes like myself, heteronormative as the day is long and spiteful of the young as a matter of principle, determine a woman’s access to reproductive health care, or whether anything is done to address climate change, or gun violence, or even whether you have the right to vote at all. You probably didn’t notice, but recently the Supreme Court overturned significant portions of the Voting Rights Act of 1965. This means you might be ejected from the voter rolls for some capricious reason, or for no reason at all...essentially confirming the wisdom in your initial decision not to vote.

Some fools may try to convince you of the importance of your vote, but they are wrong. Your vote doesn’t count. YOU don’t count. You know perfectly well you’d trade your citizenship, without hesitation, for a new ipad or a pitcher of shitty beer. You really don’t deserve to exercise the sacred duty of democracy in your apathetic condition.

Don’t compromise with a fallible system. Don’t collaborate in the Big Lie. Stay ideologically pure, stay home, and stay powerless. Let me handle this. Everything is going to be fine.

I promise.