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Am I the only person who buys cigarettes anymore? No? Then why the fuck are you always tryin’ to bum a smoke from me?

Today alone, five people (including you) have seen me smoking and, like buzzards drawn to a hot carcass, sidled up and popped The Question: “Hey bro/dude/man, can I bum one of those?”

Now, I understand these are lean times. I spent my last $6 on this pack, and I’m hoping it will last at least until the end of the night. Had I acquiesced in each request, I’d have a fourth of a pack gone, and I’ve hardly even smoked one yet. 

But I did not give in. And so I have cigarettes. And it’s all because I learned how to NO.

I exist by a simple rule: If I cannot afford my vices, I do not engage in my vices. Succinct, right? I’m trying to lead by example, and you’re not getting it. You have needs, I have needs, we all have needs. But you aren’t dying of thirst, asking me for a drink of water. You’re bumming around, like an asshole, trying to mooch a smoke off me.

But it doesn’t work. Because now I NO; hence I have cigarettes at midnight.

And while I’m on the subject, don’t get your ass in a knot when I tell you NO. Questions like yours have two possible responses. If the one I give is not to your liking maybe you should go back home and cry.

Or get a fucking job and buy your own cigarettes. Either way, trouble me no further. I’m gonna go smoke a Camel in peace