I want to have sex with Australian punks



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Did you know that Australian punks don’t use the terms “male-bodied” and “female-bodied” to describe someone’s physical appearance without specifying gender? Instead, they say “cock-haver” and “cunt-haver.” Brilliant! Australian punks’ ability to be politically correct, sassy, crass and sexy at the same time is one of the major reasons why I want to sleep with them.  

If some punk dude came up to me with and wrapped his Australian accent around the words, “Hey cock-haver, I’m a cock-haver too,” then I would get a serious boner. If he then said, “Hey, this is my cunt-having girlfriend over here, right,” I would be like, “Holy fuck, I’ll have all of that stuff in my mouth right now, please.”

Ask a friend with a good Australian accent, real or not, to say a sentence with the words “cock-haver” or “cunt-haver” in it and try not to fuck them. I dare you. 

Think about it. Australian punks are always cool and hot. What’s up with that? It’s not like Australia is any cooler than the United States. Sure, parts of it are beautiful, but so is southern Utah. Australia is famously as racist and full of shitty drunk jocks as the US, if not more so. And Australians think they are better than us. Lots of Australians refer to Americans as “seppos,” which is short for “septic tanks,” because they think we are all rednecks. 

But somehow -or perhaps because of this- Australian punks who are traveling about always seem to be humble, funny, well dressed and drop-dead unconventionally attractive. Think about the last Australian punk you met. Wasn’t their fashion impeccable? Didn’t you want to fuck them on a train across Canada?

I’m plotting a trip to Australia. In the meantime, if you are an Australian punk and need a place to stay or someone to buy you beer or dinner or just get naked with you or whatever, feel free to email this cock-having son of a bitch at ML431j@aol.com.