Invest in the past: Buy a vintage landfill

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Yesterday’s garbage is tomorrow’s gold!

After the collapse of the modern consumer economy, people will still need things. Although the people of the past will have used up the last available resources on the planet, yesterday’s irresponsible citizenry will have had the lack of foresight to place perfectly usable goods into the wastestream, particularly sites that were built before 1970.

You can seize this opportunity to guarantee your future by investing today in a vintage landfill. Classic dumps offer long-term returns, and provide a fantastic retirement plan.

There were practically no restrictions on what could be tossed into most early landfills, those humble mausoleums of the American Golden Age. Dumps constructed before the age of environmental awareness and recycling will doubtless feature an awesome array of sturdy old trash: tvs, radios, refrigerators and appliances, bottles, cans, mechanical parts, toys, and a thousand other things that will surely be useful in a post-collapse society.

Most early landfills are unlined, meaning there’s no thick layer of industrial-grade plastic to keep runoff and sludge from contaminating the groundwater and soil of surrounding neighborhoods. 

The revolting puddles of toxic stew you find at the bottom of modern, lined landfills have had decades to percolate out of vintage sites. Poisonous, potentially explosive gases and liquids have been absorbed into adjacent aquifers, producing a cleaner grade of garbage and a safer work environment for owners and their serfs.

The destitute and starving survivors of the approaching cataclysm will flock to easily diggable landfills like yours in search of things to trade, to tinker with, or to burn. Hell, maybe even to eat. Hire these wretches to work your mines; you’ll make a killing. Landfills will bring the apex of a third-world economy right to your door, an economy reclaimed from the refuse of the most opulent period in human history. And you can get in on the (under)ground floor.

There are bound to be surprises under every inch of compacted soil! Caveat emptor, though; you may also encounter medical or radioactive waste from the haphazard and reckless science labs of the mad ‘50s and ‘60s. You could unleash strange, new diseases, festering below millions of tons of putridity and yearning to breathe free. And the frightful discovery of thousands of filthy baby diapers, used condoms, and bloody tampons is all but assured.

There may even be new forms of animal life down there, evolved from rats, raccoons, and seagulls trapped in vast caverns of trash and mutating over the years. Never a dull moment, there beneath the earth.

You’ve contributed to this great system all your life. You paid good money for that garbage, once. Then you paid to have it hauled away. It has always been yours, after all, shouldn’t you have the chance to get your money back?

Invest in the future. Buy a
vintage landfill, today!