Our city is experiencing boom times these days, for sure.



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Every parking lot is now an art market, punks make a living writing bad poetry on typewriters, and you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting Elvis Costello. Even the Neutral Ground Rats always have enough dough to stay drunk.

Yet dark times line this cloud of silver and gold. Looted by ravenous developers, absentee landlords, and thousands of other people who want a slice of our spicy pie, homes are bought, tenants evicted, the place is spruced up and rented out on AirBnB. And every driver in the city knows there’s never any place to park.

Don’t despair, though, New Orleanians! The bust is absolutely on the way. It may take a few years, maybe even a decade or two, but sure as the sun sets, so too will these prosperous times for our fair city fade. The waves of money will recede, and the surplus of tourists will thin out. Lassitude once more will be the order of the day.

The next opera of political corruption is being composed in some secret room, be sure of it. Young-trepreneurs will abandon this place after they’ve been mugged one too many times, heading for the next under-gentrified city that needs some can-do attitude. My money says Detroit.

Weed will still be illegal, but bars will once more allow smoking indoors, for who doesn’t love and respect a good scofflaw?

AirBnB will no longer be profitable in this idyllic future, and the cheaply renovated duplexes whose coded key boxes once admitted strangers into so many a New Orleans home will follow the downward spiral of entropy as they sit vacant and neglected by out-of-town owners, soon to enter the final stages of all New Orleans housing, namely: Squatting, Looting of Copper, Theft of Architectural Elements, and ultimately, Arson.

The city will return to pre-Katrina levels of blight and abandonment, like god and nature always intended. Have faith. We must ride out this gaudy tide of prosperity, fellow citizens. In another few decades you’ll be able to buy a dilapidated shotgun for $10,000 and little kids will beat you up on the street for kicks once again.