People I don’t like very much often really like Mayonnaise

* make us famous

My first job was at the Subway on Vets at Bonnabel. People would be like, “gimme the tuna fish.” That shit was one part tuna to one part mayonnaise. I’d scoop it out with the little ice cream scoop and be like, “ok what the fuck you want on this?”


I’d give them this real shitty look, like, “Really? For fuckin real, you fat white doughy piece of shit?” So I’d take the little mayo squeeze bottle and give them like one tiny thin stripe of mayonnaise and put the bottle down and look up at them and be like, “Ok, what now?”

And they’d have to say, “More mayonnaise.”

“You sure?”

They’d be getting all pissy and miffed and say “Yes, I want MORE MAYONNAISE.”

So I’d take the squeeze bottle, completely straight faced, and do the tiniest, thinnest little bitty stripe of mayonnaise, and I’d put it down and look up and be like, “Ok. And?” And it would be so fuckin funny because it was the world’s smallest amount of mayo, like barely visible with the naked eye, and they’d be like, “MORE MAYONNAISE.”

“Uhhhh...are you serious?”

They’d be all ticked off and say “YES!” and I’d say, “ugh gross...” all under my breath.

Sometimes they’d say “WHAT WAS THAT?” and I’d just look at them all disgusted and gob a bunch of really thick scribbles of mayo on there, and be like, “Enjoy your sandwich, sir”  

I’m a sandwich artist.

Here lemme sign it for you. 

In mayonnaise.