When I realize that smoking indoors is Becoming an act of civil disobedience, the world makes me sad.



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How I have watched episodes of Mad Men, looking through a dusty window, jealous as they offhandedly light up in a swank office. 

Nowadays, most of our smoking has been outsourced to the Pacific Rim nations, and not even the lowliest broom closet in the Land of the Free is a safe place to enjoy a lung dart. Under assault is the right to smoke indoors. Stupid places like New York and California have all but criminalized the humble cigarette, so much so that you can’t even smoke OUTDOORS anymore. This fascist shit is probably a highly effective strategy for helping people quit smoking, so fuck this. Smoking cuts people’s life spans, and people are generally assholes, so the sooner they check out, the better.

People who don’t smoke live longer than smokers, giving them more time to scorn, harass, and bedevil we partakers of the nicotine sacrament. Eventually they get to be insufferable, like those Temperance bitches from the early 1900s whose uptight sphincters gave us Prohibition. Who the hell wants to be around a bunch of old, healthy people who are always trying to take you aside for a word to the wise” wherein they’ll always say “I used to smoke, but I quit and now I’m so vital, look at me, do I look 94?” OK, this doesn’t happen so much, but you get the point. Smoke so you won’t have to waste so much end-of-life time listening to the wheezing of your nonagenarian roommate,   eating food impregnated with Ex-Lax, while a fluorescent light in the hall keeps blinking on and off. If you do it right, you probably won’t ever have to see the walls of the nursing home where your self-righteous non-smoking offspring intend to incarcerate you when you’re feeble. Think of the future!

Light up inside, and every voice will shout “you can’t do that” but half of them will secretly find your rebellious derring-do attractive. Your friends who have asthma will have to use their inhalers and so you WILL be seen as an asshole (as if you harbored any doubt) but you will have proven yourself as brave as the Marlboro Man, taking his final puffs of life through a tracheotomy tube in a hospital broom closet.