Godwin Hews

the downside of homicide

Somewhere deep in our hearts, each one of us has that one, special person we’d really like to kill. Some cheating lover, a treacherous friend, some relative who did us wrong, violators and perpetrators all; and on our darkest, stormiest, drinkiest nights, we consider how to bring about their demise.

Of course, most of us do nothing more than fantasize about our favorite felony. We work it all out in the scheming madness of our minds, plotting diabolical revenge over a bottle of cheap red, until we remember that our dear mother’s birthday is next week, so we’d better put a pin in the whole ‘murder’ thing for now, and send her a nice card.

Full Article >

Our city is experiencing boom times these days, for sure.

Every parking lot is now an art market, punks make a living writing bad poetry on typewriters, and you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting Elvis Costello. Even the Neutral Ground Rats always have enough dough to stay drunk.

Yet dark times line this cloud of silver and gold. Looted by ravenous developers, absentee landlords, and thousands of other people who want a slice of our spicy pie, homes are bought, tenants evicted, the place is spruced up and rented out on AirBnB. And every driver in the city knows there’s never any place to park.

Full Article >

Invest in the past: Buy a vintage landfill

Yesterday’s garbage is tomorrow’s gold!

After the collapse of the modern consumer economy, people will still need things. Although the people of the past will have used up the last available resources on the planet, yesterday’s irresponsible citizenry will have had the lack of foresight to place perfectly usable goods into the wastestream, particularly sites that were built before 1970.

You can seize this opportunity to guarantee your future by investing today in a vintage landfill. Classic dumps offer long-term returns, and provide a fantastic retirement plan.

Full Article >

Fuck the Vote

I wanted to write a piece arguing the importance of voting, but since I know you didn’t vote, why waste my time? Instead, I’ll give you some great reasons why you- yes, YOU -have no business voting, and even if you did, why you shouldn’t vote for anything, ever.

1. you’re not registered to vote

What a loathsome process! Going to some dreary public building, talking to some pasty municipal servant, filling out some stupid piece of paper. Never give them your name and address! That’s how they getcha. If there’s not an app for this whole thing, you don’t need it. (By the way, don’t worry; if there ever was an app, the Board of Elections in your corrupt state would hack into it, and your vote would be stolen by some guy in an underground bunker somewhere north of Baton Rouge).

Full Article >

Protect the Cool Kids of Tomorrow: Keep Weed Illegal

We all grew up in a world where cool kids were sometimes only considered cool because they dealt weed. The trade in cannabis among school-aged people determined who was worth knowing, worth hanging out with, worth giving money to. Marijuana dealers in high school are confident people, and why shouldn’t they be? They make good money but have no bills to pay. They get their friends high and then can afford to pay for all the french fries their friends eat afterward.

Full Article >