Rude Fig

Rude Fig wants to have sex with your hard cock.  Don't worry, his girlfriend is cool.

GET free shit while Effecting social change! Don’t sit down at a sit-in and wait for the pepper spray Put on your running shoes and try rioting instead

More than 200 people were arrested during Baltimore’s riot late in April. Luckily, about half of them were released from jail without charges, mostly because the cops had no idea who had done what during the chaos, leaving prosecutors with little evidence. Which brings us to the good news: cops are notoriously bad at their jobs, and an untold number of people, hundreds or perhaps more, got away with various crimes during the riots, from stealing booze and drinking it in public to smashing cop cars and straight-up arson.

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My bosses think I’m gay.

I haven’t given them any reason to think otherwise. Sometimes I talk kind of gay, and I mention guys I’ve dated in casual conversations with my co-workers. But the women I’ve dated? I refer to them as “partners,” or I don’t talk about them at all.

I want my bosses to think I’m gay. My bosses are straight white leftists, and if there is one thing I know about straight white leftists, it’s that they feel guilty, guilty, guilty. They feel guilty because they know that the neo-liberal capitalist system privileges them over pretty much everyone else who isn’t wealthy.

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I want to have sex with Australian punks

Did you know that Australian punks don’t use the terms “male-bodied” and “female-bodied” to describe someone’s physical appearance without specifying gender? Instead, they say “cock-haver” and “cunt-haver.” Brilliant! Australian punks’ ability to be politically correct, sassy, crass and sexy at the same time is one of the major reasons why I want to sleep with them.  

If some punk dude came up to me with and wrapped his Australian accent around the words, “Hey cock-haver, I’m a cock-haver too,” then I would get a serious boner. If he then said, “Hey, this is my cunt-having girlfriend over here, right,” I would be like, “Holy fuck, I’ll have all of that stuff in my mouth right now, please.”

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I was an anarchist in college, so obviously I had bad hygiene and was probably kind of annoying.

I went to the sort of public university where drinking is just as important as academics.  One time I was getting drunk at a party and started talking politics with this bro. He was wearing a yellow polo shirt but seemed fairly intelligent. He was the kind of libertarian who’s into free markets and fiscal conservatism but also drugs, atheism, and being cool with gay people. This basic political trope is just as popular among college students as anarchism, if not more so.

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Do Gay Men Suck?

Another Southern Decadence is finally behind us. They came, they saw, they drank, they smoked tina, and they came again. 

For some of us, Decadence is a time to celebrate living in a bastion of liberal acceptance while herds of adorable husbears lumber down Bourbon Street with their beer guts hanging out of matching leather chest straps. For others, Decadence is a time for hustling money from overpaid suburban clones wearing matching American Apparel tank tops and fending off obnoxious drunks who think they own the place and your ass. 

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Straight Gay Men Suck

It’s not just about tourism. NOLA celebrates its own flamboyant gayness in parades, parties, and, of course, punk and hip hop music. Being gay or queer in NOLA is so cool that even straight people try to be gay. I mean, have you been to a punk show, bounce party or hell, fucking Mardi Gras? There are always at least a few queer-identified-straight-people, or QISPs, blue-balling their gay friends to look radical and impress the ladies.     

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